The First Year

(Note: From now until Valentine's Day I will be chronicling how Mr. Blue Eyes and I met, as well as sharing some personal journal excerpts from the early days/weeks/years of our relationship. WARNING: Journal excerpts will contain large amounts of over-the-top, thick as maple syrup, fresh from the pine tree SAP. I was young and in love and I wrote about it shamelessly. If you are allergic to sap you may want to take a Claritin or just avoid these posts all together. If not, read on or click HERE to see a list of the archived posts.)

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The following day I did leave for college, and Mr. Blue Eyes returned to his life as well. But the very next weekend we found our way to one another again... And the weekend after that, and the weekend after that, and pretty much every weekend and/or waking moment that we possibly could for the next nine months until summer came back around.

Journal Excerpt, September 9, 1998... "I just got off the phone with Mr. Blue Eyes. I should be studying now but I'm not because I can't stop thinking about him. He's so sweet and so cute. He said he got a letter, and I asked from who, and he said from some cute girl, and I asked if he was going to write her back, and he said he was! He's so cute. He's going to call me this weekend."

Journal Excerpt, September 14, 1998... "I got home about 8:30 on Saturday evening and called Mr. Blue Eyes and he said he'd come pick me up on his motorcycle. I like it but Mom wasn't so happy about that idea. He came and got me and we went to his house. He wrote me a letter and I wrote him one too, and I wasn't planning on giving it to him because I thought it was too sappy, but he found it in my pocket so I gave it to him. He told me that he kept the flowers I picked for him down in the pasture the weekend before. He's so sweet. He brought me home in his dad's truck because I told him my mom didn't like his motorcycle (well, didn't like me on it, anyway!)"

(At this juncture I should note something... Mr. Blue Eyes hates writing. Hates it a lot. We're kind of at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to writing, as you might be able to tell. Even if he had been a professional poet, him writing me letters would have still been special. But him writing to me when it was something he hated to do? Unbridled devotion. Pure selflessness.)

I was hesitant at first. I had cold feet, I guess. Even though all of my instincts were screaming for me to hold onto him and never let go, it took a couple months before I finally gave in. The fact that we were living a couple hours apart made me nervous. I had done the same thing -- long distance relationship -- with a different boyfriend the previous year, ending in our break-up, and I was worried I was making the same mistake again.

Journal Excerpt, September 4, 1998... "Mr. Blue Eyes called my mom last night to get my phone number here at school, and then he called me. He makes me feel so good! But I just have this problem trusting my heart. I guess I just have to follow it, whether I get hurt again or not. There's no way I can know that, and I'm not going to shelter myself from it so that I might miss out on something wonderful."

Journal Excerpt, September 26, 1998... "Tonight was the first time I actually thought of him and thought, "I just need to hear his voice..." so I called and tried to catch him before work, but of course he had already left so I didn't get to talk to him. Maybe that means I'm starting to get a little attached. Uh-oh... Don't know if I'm ready for that. I used to think that I couldn't wait to have a serious boyfriend and get married, and now all I can think about is I'm pretty sure I can wait a good few years before I say the big words, "I do." I'm enjoying these college years of freedom too much. I don't want anything that will tie me down. That's what worries me about Mr. Blue Eyes. Things with him are so good that I'm scared it will get too serious and I'll get scared off and just break it off because I can't take the pressure. I want to just slow it all down, but it's hard when everything goes so perfect."

Journal Excerpt, October 28, 1998... "I do feel myself falling in love with him, and it scares me. I don't want to yet. I'm not ready to get that close, and yet it's happening just the same. I don't know what to do. A big part of me really wants to pull away."

Journal Excerpt, November 2, 1998... "We were together almost the whole weekend. I'm so scared to let him have my heart and yet I don't want him to leave my side, and every time we have to leave each other I feel this ache in my chest."

However, on the very weekend that my feet were the coldest, that I almost had my mind made up to tell him we needed to slow things down or break it off all together, my feelings for him surged forward instead, and from then on there was no question as to whether or not we should be together. We just were. He was for me. I was for him. Fighting the bond we shared was futile.

Journal Excerpt, November 10, 1998... "I spent the weekend with Mr. Blue Eyes and it snowed a little bit there, so I got to see my first snowfall of the year with him. I think I could watch grass grow with him and it would be just as special. Anything with him... Whenever he's next to me... I fell. I tried so hard not to and I almost pulled far enough away but this time I just didn't have any control. He has my heart. And I told him that I love him. He said it back. I felt so vulnerable after I said it, but I didn't want to take it back either. I trust him with everything."

It wasn't just that we were falling deeply and helplessly in love with one another... My parents were in the process of moving off our family farm, I was on my own in a new place, and I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Everything I knew was changing. Mr. Blue Eyes was my rock. He was the one constant in my life, the one I could depend on, the one in whom I confided all my fears. Much of our time together was spent having fun and being in love and making happy memories, but there were also a lot of heavier issues in the background. He stood by me through it all.

Comments

[Tauna]

Ahhhhhh, I love it! Mr. Blue Eyes.....I think we need some serious footage of that guy....................