Looking Forward, Looking Back
December 31, 2009 
I spent the better part of the day cleaning the house while fighting the 'resolutionary war' in my head... To resolve or not resolve? That was the question.
I'm still undecided. I've got 4 1/2 hours till midnight, and I've drank 1.5 beers (which is already a full beer over my monthly average) so you never know how free and easy I might get before the ball drops.
Wait. That didn't sound quite right.
And I just realized that I'm sitting at home, drinking, and blogging on New Year's Eve. Is that sad?
Well, I've never been much of a New Year's Eve fanatic anyway. It's just never seemed to work out well for me. There were the New Year's Eves of my youth, when my parents would take me to the local bar to play my accordian (technically a 'concertina', but we won't get into that) for the patronage. They would play late into the night and eventually I would fall asleep in the corner with a coat draped over me as a blanket.
Seriously. They did. My dad had a polka band, and as the little girl playing the instrument that was larger than I was (the accordian, a.k.a. concertina), I was kind of a novelty. It was the bane of my adolescence. I endured not only the late night pub scene, but entire polka fests... Two or three day long marathons of polkapaloosa. Those were particularly brutal. When I wasn't playing, the sweet but usually slightly inebriated older men loved to dance with me. I can still hear their voices singing Please Release Me in my head, and let me just tell you, I was the one who should have been singing that tune.
You hear me?!? I was the one!!!
Other than that my childhood was pretty good. Great, actually. ;)
Then there was the year that my then-boyfriend blew me off to go out with his friends. I remember spending the night just hoping that he would call, but he never did. I think I even stayed up past midnight just in case the phone might ring, naïve young girl that I was. The good news is that the demise of our relationship led to the first sparks of my relationship with Mr. Blue Eyes, and prompted me to appreciate him even more. Sometimes these things work out for the greater good.
And now, I may be sitting home, drinking and blogging, but I'm in the good company of the Mr. and our babies, so no, it isn't sad at all.
Well, that was a round-about way of answering my own question. (Which was: 'Is that sad?' In case you've forgotten... It was awhile ago.)
I don't think I will resolve. When you think about it, it's a crazy concept... We've just come off the high of Christmas, accompanied by excessive food consumption, and then we attempt to plummet ourselves into self-discipline mode. Combine that with all of the emotions that are stirred up around the holidays and the contemplation of a year gone by and a year ahead. I can't handle the pressure. If you can, more power to ya'.
I do, however, in all seriousness, have a couple aspirations for the coming year... The first is to be a more Godly woman. If there is one sure thing that I have learned from the past year, it is that God is there, working in my life, and not only will I be happier and find peace if I devote myself to Him, but He will use me for His greater purpose.
My other desire -- an idea that came to me earlier today and has stayed with me throughout the day -- is to look for hope in the coming year and chronicle the experiences here on my site. While I'm cleaning and thinking about resolutions and the past and the future and all the uncertainty that I feel, I realize that I need a way to channel my thoughts and energy in a positive way. I need to look for the good. I need to open my eyes to the good that God is doing in my life and others'. We all need that, some of us now more than ever. And the thing is this: it's there. The hope. The good. God is there. Always. I think it's just a matter of how we perceive things.
So, that's about as much self-examination and contemplation as I can handle for one day. I'm off to responsibly finish my beer and snuggle in with Mr. Blue Eyes for the evening, and the thought of starting off another year with him makes me feel... Hopeful.
Reader Comments (6)
So it you're a sad case then I've got to be beyond hope!! I'm sitting around...reading your blog...with my mother in law! And although there's beer if the fridge, I've been to tired (lazy) to go get one...Now, I'm thinking it's past my self imposed deadline of a 10 o'clock bed time! I think we're doing just fine, Happy New Year! Love you guys lots, missing you all!
Dusti
Happy New Year! I made 5 resolutions...way less than I usually do. I resolve to keep them all...does that make 6? Haha! I could drive myself crazy! But I will resolve not to. :-D
Happy New Year my friend! I think you have the best blog ever. Hope you rang in the year with style! As far as resolutions.....well, I don't think much of them myself. I failed too much at trying to achieve the impossible.
Happy 2010 to you and the babies and blue eyes.
I'm excited! I detect the foundation is being laid for the saga I'm eager to see on this blog!
humming a polka tune and smiling to myself as I remember how that 'instrument' tormented you so... it was a fairly interesting bargain you had to strike with your folks - 'play the concertina or no rodeo competition'
Great post! New Year's doesn't typically work out for me etiher, but this year I had a fun party to go to, it was nice mellow evening and I didn't drink too much and felt good today! :) I think it's cool you used to play the accordian in a polka band- not many people can claim that! Can you still play?
A blessed and hopeful new year to you Farmer gal!!