His First Day

Sorry for my hissy fit yesterday.

I've pulled myself together now.

Kind of.

It's just that I suddenly realized that time seems to be in a vacuum. I'm not even really sure what that means, but in my head I envision a vacuum sucking all the time away... The time with my children. Time with my husband. Time with my loved ones.

I know this isn't the right way to look at things... I should be thankful in each and every moment for everything and not worry about tomorrow, blah, blah, blah... Most of the time I subscribe to that line of thinking, and I will again, hopefully someday soon. But for today, and days in the foreseeable future, I just need to...

Process.

My baby is starting pre-school!

I didn't know it was going to hit me so hard.

It wasn't hitting me so hard until two very specific moments, on his first day.

So, let me tell you about his first day...

While it was still dark, I went in to wake him up, and he popped his head up. Before he was even fully awake, he said, "Do I have shool today?"

"Yep!" I replied in a soft, cheerful voice.

Getting ready went smoothly. It was a sweet morning for us. The rain was falling outside. While I was getting Miss Peaches dressed, he came in with his hands folded and said, "Mom, I talked to Jesus!"

My heart smiled.

I don't know what he said or if he was praying, but I encouraged him and reminded him that he can talk to Jesus anytime.

Before we left, Mr. Blue Eyes called and they talked on the phone.

On the drive there, I told him how things were going to go, and the three of us prayed for his first day.

I was trying to be cheerful. I was cheerful. I was fully committed to being cheerful and supportive and encouraging and preparing him in just the right way for his first day, and I did. I was so committed to all those things, I didn't think about much else. All I occupied my mind with, in regard to his first day, was helping him in just the right way, and saying just the right things so that he would feel comfortable.

And I did.

It went very well.

For him.

For me, it went very well until the first specific moment. We entered his classroom, and right away he knew to hang up his coat and back pack. His teacher came over to say 'hello'. I thought, in that moment, he might be overcome with shyness and retreat to me. He didn't. Then, a little boy came over and said, very loudly, "Are you the new kid in our class?" Again, I thought he would retreat. He didn't. He answered him confidently, "Yes." Then his teacher asked him if he was ready.

This is the first specific moment: He nodded his yead, and walked away from me, into the classroom with her, and didn't look back.

Up until that point, crying didn't even cross my mind.

But when I saw my sweet boy, bravely nod his head and walk off, I just about crumpled to the floor. I. Will. Never. Forget. That. Moment.

Thankfully, Miss Peaches was with, so she and I turned and went out the door. I picked her up, and on the way to the car, walking in the rain, I said, "Will you give me a love?" She wrapped her arms around me and said, "Mom, I'm sure gonna miss him."

"Me too."

(Lawsie mercy, I'm crying a river right now. I really hope no one decides to stop in unannounced.)

She and I took the long way home that morning, to hang out until three hours later, when it was time to go pick him up again.

That was the second specific moment: Being in our house without him here.

Other than a couple of odd jobs, I've been a stay-at-home mama ever since Little Blue Eyes was born. There just haven't been many days that I've spent in our home without him. He's been my constant companion.

And I'd like to keep it that way.

Forever.

Thank you very much.

But! I know this schooling thing is what's best for him.

And that leads me to the other facet of my emotional unglued-ness... Letting go of a dream.

The homeschooling dream.

The dream of teaching them here in our home, being able to impart our Christian values more fully, and the adventures of learning together. I would so love to live that life.

I can't say I've completely let go of it yet. I still have the maybe, someday, if it works for us attitude. But for now, I know it simply is not what's best for them. I have to earn an income for our family, and as such, I just don't have time to teach my children. Not in the way they deserve. Not at this time.

Maybe. Someday. If it works for us.

In the meantime, I may have a few more weepy days and hissy fits, so don't mind me. I'll adjust.

Comments

[Tauna]

Oh you have me crying! I remember those feelings so well and NOW I have 7 grandchildren.
We have actually had the 4 oldest ones in our home this week and mama and daddy went on a little getaway together. Tonight I was washing the youngest ones hair and the thought hit me so hard," this was the same room where I washed her daddy's hair for so many years. I've done this all before and now I get to do it again...for a moment" It was a very sweet feeling.

He looks so cute.
You are doing a great job little mama.