Grace for This Day
October 27, 2011 
It has been one of those weeks.
Actually, it has been about two of those weeks.
I've found myself trudging through the days, just trying to get by.
We've been sick.
We've been busy.
We've been feeling sick of being busy.
Patience has been wearing thin.
I came to the old familiar place, the place I wrote about in this devotional, where I resign myself to limiting my scope only to the day I am currently living. I rise in the morning and I ask myself, "Has God given me enough grace to get through this day? Has He given us everything we need for this day?" The answer is always, "Yes."
Some days I feel like I can just barely feel the 'yes', barely utter the word, barely get through, but He's leading me on.
We get through.
I hate the days where I have to say we get through. I long for the days where we have life more abundantly. Actually, what I long for is the days when I'm able to see that we do have life more abundantly. The days when my heart is open. I'm greedy that way.
It's days and weeks like this when I find myself questioning things more...
Why am I here God? I mean, HERE, in this house with these children, stretching my patience far beyond what I ever thought I could handle. Why here? Is this really where You want me to be?
Don't you have something greater for me, God?
I know the care of children is great... So why don't I feel that way today? Why do I feel like a slave to them?
Why do I long for something else? Why don't I even know what that 'something else' is? Why have I never truly felt fulfilled?
It was while wallowing in this last question, the question of fulfillment, last night while standing over chopped carrots and simmering potatoes, that God offered one of His many little deliverances.
I started thinking about all the good things I've done. All the good works. (I know it sounds like I was being proud, but it really wasn't like that. It was more of a 'taking stock' kind of thing.) In every job I've had, I've tried to follow the command: Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. (Colossians 3:23) In addition to that, I love to serve the Lord. Through music. Through obedience. Through service. Through teaching.
Shouldn't I get some sense of fulfillment from all of that?
Some days I do.
Some days I'm simply going through the motions.
But what God told me, in that moment, was that even though 'faith without deeds is dead' (James 2:26), He needs me to simply spend more time with Him.
Here I am, walking the Christian walk. I have no problem letting God be a part of my everyday life. Thankfully I have a Godly husband, and we do our best to keep God at the forefront. I listen to Christian radio. I read Our Daily Bread. I read books about other's walks with Christ. I try to be sensitive for God's direction in my life. So what is missing?
I realize even though I'm thinking about Him, in Him, and for Him, I'm not really spending time with Him. Just Him. I'm thinking about and sharing my own story. I'm hearing and reading about other's stories. But what I'm missing is... His story.
I don't spend enough time in my Bible, or in prayer.
Plain and simple.
I don't.
I do read my Bible each week, and I do pray daily. But, you know, it's fleeting. It's catching Bible verses here and there, uttering quick little prayers and talking to God. But it is not... that... quiet, peaceful, reverent time of really being in God's word and devoting everything in me to prayer. That kind of time is a rarity.
I'm here with no answers today. I'm still full of questions. I'm very much a discontent, curious daughter of Eve in wanting to know... Why God, why? What more is there? Tell me, tell me, tell me! I confess that. I repent of that. I am only here with a seeking heart, and a call to share this burden.
But that's enough of my story for today. Somewhere, sometime in this day of caring for these children that He has entrusted to me, I will find a quiet time for His story. After all, He's the One whose story I'm living.
Reader Comments (2)
Beautiful.
Yes, you are right. You do have everything to get through this day.
AND I'm positive, you are doing it with more grace and patience and beauty than you give yourself credit for.
You are wonderful.
Your post echoed similar feelings I have been having about yearning for God's word. I am looking for a Bible Study at my church. Hope you are feeling better...and the kids are over the sickies.